Even typing that word makes me cringe.
Why does failure feel so bad? Why do we spend time contemplating and evaluating and feeling bad about what we have done wrong? When it comes to failure, I feel like I fail fairly frequently, but if I am honest most of those failures are low stakes. I make new recipes that don't work, I try new restaurants I don't like. I feel like lately I am not taking a ton of big risks at once. I hate to be honest and admit that, but it is true. We took a risk and moved to New Hampshire and if I am being honest, we think it was mistake. I am not attempting to find a full time job or going back to graduate school, both dreams I have, but both are deferred. In part they are deferred because we do not want to live here and in part they are deferred because of circumstances. We have one car, which would make the navigating of that challenging at best. I am pregnant which would make finding a job more difficult, even though we are supposed to live in a society of equal opportunity employment I do not imagine many people love the idea of hiring someone who will have frequent doctors appointments and will leave when the baby comes. Instead I am in a season of sitting and waiting. If I am going to be frank, I find this to be harder than failing. I think there is a satisfaction that comes with knowing you have tried something. I do not feel that level of satisfaction, really I feel like I am not trying anything other than trying to be present with what is and accept life as it arrives. The lack of motion in my life, with the notable exception of pregnancy, makes me feel like more of a failure than any attempts would. I am not someone who loves to wait. I want to do it all tomorrow and if I have an idea I want to be able to follow through on it now, not after having to wait for it to come to pass. I have come to learn that making all the big decisions at once, does have a price, usually on my body and my sanity. One big decision per year was told to me, and although I think that is good, I do still find it not to be enough. I think I often believe if I just work hard enough everything will turn out the way I hope it is, and in certain areas of life this is true. Life as a whole though is not under my control. I can make decisions that have an impact and influence how it goes, but in reality I am not in charge. Many factors I have no ability to determine at all. I wonder though if this is just what life is a constant form of recalibration. We find the balance between making decisions and accepting life as it occurs. We try to see a way through all the obstacles and barriers between where we are now and where we hope to end up. The reality of it all is that there is no balance no perfect medium. We have to walk each day as best as we are able. We have to accept our failures even if they are in my case failures to act instead of failures that result from action. We all try things that do not work out and we move on, we all wait to try things and wish we had done them sooner or were glad we waited. Time will tell us how each decision or lack of decision will turn out. Failure can be a label we use or it can just be a part of life. We do not have to cringe from the word itself, but rather recognize it as a healthy and normal part of the process.
1 Comment
Lee Ann from Capitol Hill
8/23/2019 05:04:05 pm
Beautifully written. (And you’re always welcome in Des Moines!)
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
About MeI'm Sarah; a wife, traveler, foodie, and adventurer. Archives
October 2019
Categories
All
|