I was listening to a podcast a month ago that suggested I go out to eat at restaurant with a cuisine I do not typically eat that is independently owned preferably by recent immigrants. I thought about this and realized this is something we do often. We try a new restaurant every week. These small steps may seem insignificant but they matter. I will go to a restaurant and feel uncomfortable. I think back upon it and I have done this numerous times, ordered things I didn't understand and tried dishes I might not have ordered had I been better informed. I do not look back on these experiences with regret.
One of the lessons I have learned through life is that fear is not something to be taken too seriously. Now I do realize there are circumstances where being afraid is of value, but in general in our modern lives fear does not actually help in most situations. Biologically fear was useful, and the cost for being afraid was slim because the cost of being unafraid were actually catastrophic. Historically being eaten by a tiger was more likely than it is today, and our biology has not caught up with the way society has evolved. We are a society that is afraid of things that are not deadly. We have unrealistic fears and ignore the more likely pitfalls. We do this with something as simple as going out to eat. One of the things I have learned as a person who is often afraid is that fear doesn't last. I have spent quite a bit of time wading through the fear, wading through the failure and I have known that coming out the other side is worth it. My mind is able to construct eccentric ideas of what will happen, but those ideas often are lies. I realize that the discomfort I feel in trying out a restaurant whose cuisine I have never had is a small price to pay. This is where I start to recognize my privilege. I realize that many people experience much more discomfort on a regular basis. I can choose my discomfort, what a privilege that is. I often allow my moments of privilege to be unacknowledged . I am not aware of how safe I am and how lucky I am. I was born with the ability to go almost anywhere and feel safe. When I crossed the border into Canada I was not afraid. When I returned home, I knew I would have enough. I am able to take vacations. Some of this is a matter or circumstance, but most of this comes from being born white with enough money and resources. I have an education and I know how to gather and find resources. I am easily accepted and people do not fear me for reasons that have nothing to do with me personally. As we explore, I find it important to stay grounded and realize that my moments of uncertainty are just that, moments. How lucky that a vast majority of my life feels safe and secure. I often think about how much of American culture focuses around greed, the more and cheaper and that we believe we really can have that at no cost. As I have read The Omnivore's Dilemma, I have started to see the hidden cost. The real cost that comes later with damage to the environment, poor working conditions for people, damage to animals and the creation of new disease. Michael Pollan suggests we can pay that cost now or later, and I would rather spend more money to pay it now, that being said it is quite a privileged thing to say. I have the ability. Part of me wants to suggest what he does that more of us have the money than we are willing to admit, we just typically choose to spend it on other things. Our choices matter, our actions matter, even on the small scale. We often think that we have no power, we disempower ourselves, but in reality everything we do shapes the world around us. Where we eat, what activities we participate in and the work we do changes the world we live in in a very real way. I do not write this to suggest that we all need to choose the same as me, but rather to acknowledge that even when we refuse to admit it, we are making a choice and that choices has real consequences so we should consider it wisely.
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The reality of life is that we are unique as people, our decisions will always be our own and what is a revelation to me, might not be to you. We have many faces, many moods, many different parts and facets. Something I have been struggling with lately is the idea that we are so multifaceted as to be unable to be captured by any one thing. The reality is that as we look at each other we are basically incapable of seeing all of this in each other, especially not all at once. To truly see someone else takes time it takes being able to witness who they are as an individual and to hold space for them. It takes the presence of mind to be able to step back and remove yourself from the situation, rather than seeing them as somehow connected to you, similar to a friend, or remembering the times you shared previously, or even considering their experiences to just be a different version of yours. I think this type of seeing others can be a constant struggle. We want to witness them, but it takes us to step outside ourselves in a way that might not be comfortable.
This is something that I struggle with in particular, and I am starting to see this more and more in how I interact with others and the thoughts that run through my head. Typically I have witnessed others in relation to me, I have evaluated and contemplated and dissected their lives thinking I knew better. Even typing these words makes me feel a tad nervous, but this is true. I like to look at the lives of others and learn from them, but the thing that I do not take into account is that my mistakes are at times mine alone. Looking and learning from others can be helpful, but often I am using it to boost my morale rather than impart any lesson. I am lately taking the time to hold space for others, not to try to compare or contrast but to accept that this is the experience of that person with all that entails and to not insert myself, but rather to just be there and see them living their life and support them as I can, but not thinking I know what is best, because in reality I don't. I love to read about tragedy- this is not new but I have recently realized what that means. I love stories of grief and loss, I love looking at someone going through extraordinary suffering and how they cope. I find in the moments of loss and despair we show ourselves. We are willing to say who we are, we notice that in light of enormous amounts of pain the small stuff doesn't matter. The details and the facade of life get stripped away and what we are left with is raw and true and real. I love this unpolished life, this truth. I love that when I am reading these stories or watching these types of TED talks, I cry. Tears stream down my face about someone I will probably never know. I find that the culture around me does not seem to understand sadness, it doesn’t seem to have a place. Oftentimes it is not seen as appropriate or even necessary but rather as a sign of weakness. I firmly disagree I feel sadness is necessary and feeling that sadness provides us with a better understanding of the world and how we think of it. All emotions are necessary and there for a reason to help us understand the world and connect to one another not to shy away from and avoid.
When reading or listening to people talk about tragedy, I feel their feelings, I see their love mixed up with their grief. Someone once told me grief takes the place that love was. We grieve because we care, because we love. There is beauty in the pain, beauty in coping with tragedy. It is hard and messy and flawed, but so are we all and in a way grief brings stark contrast to the parts of our lives the things that matter and the things that don't. I think it is too easy to get caught up in the facade, the trimmings and not to dig deep and see what is underneath, what is real? I struggle with this myself and sometimes cannot identify if it is what I want or is it just part of the picture of what I am supposed to have or what it is supposed to look like? It can be easy to spend time chasing the picture rather than seeing the truth. The thing is, we are not assured the picture. The image is not real and mostly it serves to distract us from the reality, to placate, to make our striving seem worthwhile. I am not saying that hard things and striving are to be avoided, but I think we need a clearer understanding that the picture may not be any better. It may be the same. It may look new and shiny but we as humans adjust. An old psychological study from 1978 looked at lottery winners and paralyzed accident victims. Within a year they both were at the similar levels of self reported happiness. This study is often used to indicate how easily we absorb new circumstances. We like to think that big changes will fix everything and make us happier, and for a short while they do, a few weeks or months, but eventually we take them for granted and our happiness level returns to what it was. After reading Why Buddhism is True by Robert Wright, I realized our evolution necessitates this. We would not exist if happiness was a permanent state. If we enjoyed a food and that happiness stayed with us, we would never seek food again. If sex provided a permanent state of happiness, we would not mate repeatedly and our species would cease to exist. We need happiness to be limited so we will want to continue living. Each time our happiness occurs at lower and lower levels. This may account for why the first bite of ice cream is delicious but the last is not nearly as exciting. Conversely unpleasant experiences stick with us because they could lead to death, we remember close calls and things that go wrong so as not to repeat them. Knowing this leads us to wonder then what is the point of it all, what do we do? Robert Wright would answer that meditation helps, I would agree, but I also think we need to be aware of our why. Why are we doing this? What do we really want? Why are we actually unhappy? Is a new car really going to fix that? When it comes to a why of life, that is personal. I have found mine through time, research and contemplation. The why keeps me going, helps me see what I am doing in service of it and how my life is changing because of it. Signs of Spring
We bought tulips a few weeks ago and they are still alive on our porch. I also am noticing small signs of life everywhere from the trees producing green buds to the days that are so warm we need to open the windows. I am loving spring.
Habits
This season has proved tough in ways I did not expect. I am finding that my habits are kicking in and I am taking it slow, going back to what I know and accepting those small changes week by week to find my way back to myself. I did not realize how much my habit had changed me until recently.
Meditation
In this odd season, I have had moments of stress and anxiety. I am finding that meditation is a habit I have cultivated that is helping me through the challenge. I find just sitting and realizing the impermanence of my thoughts gives me hope and faith that everything is as it should be.
Daily Writing
I write in numerous forms. I journal, I write things I am grateful for, and every weekday I type 1,000 words for myself. I am finding that the last of these practices has been extremely life giving. I notice on days when I do not type my words my mind feels more frantic and I feel overwhelmed more easily. The words I write are for no one but myself, but just having a space to think and get my thoughts out I often find I am able to be much more reasonable in textual form than in the thoughts that circulate in my head.
Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow
I have started listening to this on audio this week and I am loving it so much. I find the topic fascinating and it is holding my interest even though it is detailed and somewhat long.
I have personally been struggling with the idea of having a path. I want a path and I also feel claustrophobic and hemmed in by stating a path out loud as if my intention is to stay on that path forever. I think I struggle with coming to terms with what I have been taught and what I am coming to know, in a deep soul way. I was taught to plan and make goals and through that process life was achievable. At some point that message turned into planning as the end goal almost for planning's sake. Said another way, the goal did not matter as much as having one did. So I chose a goal and planned and met that goal.
Pretty shortly after starting teaching, I knew it was not for me. Teaching was a whole new level of overwhelming, but I stayed the path for a number of years. I improved and grew. I became a better teacher. I set boundaries to prevent physical burnout. What I did not do was to take steps to prevent burnout of my soul. I am an empathetic person by nature. I scare easily, I feel all the feelings. Caring for the needs of others trumped my caring for myself. I lost myself in teaching and my body responded in kind. I was trying to get enough sleep, but my mind was filled with worries about students and mundane details of my job. I was unable to turn it off. It was unsustainable and I quit. I did not quit midyear or all of a sudden. I quit 2-3 years in. Since quitting I have grown and learned a lot. I have started tending to my soul, caring for myself so my interactions with others can be authentic and present rather than filled with stress and anxiety. Don't get me wrong, this is still an active work in process, but I am glad to be taking the time to grow. Nothing has changed, and yet everything has. I have been able to shift my mind to be considering life from a healthier place. I am able to be more reflective and aware of how my thoughts influence a situation. One way this is still working itself out is the idea of having a path in life. I so desperately want a path or a goal to work towards, but I know right now I want it for the wrong reason. Yes, I can accomplish goals, I have learned that, but there is a pointlessness in goals for goals sake. Joseph Campbell once said "If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path." I find this statement to be so true, usually I paraphrase that if you can see all the steps you are just trying to copy someone else's path. So my path right now is unclear, it is unsteady. I have inklings of ideas, but in general I am just staying open. I know that sometimes what you learn from the moments of waiting and anticipation are more important than charging ahead in the wrong direction. I am choosing pathlessness. I am choosing to be open and aware and accepting. I have no clear path and I am learning to be okay with that. I find that this is a lesson I need to learn again and again. I do not need to think that I know everything. I do not need to be in control. I cannot control everything. The world is so large and expansive that I think my lesson in pathlessness is to learn to be okay with uncertainty. Things will not go as expected. I can accept the uncertainty that is life and to just sit and breathe and be okay. A month ago, the weather stopped snowing. Lately I have seen more signs of spring than simply the weather. Flowers are blossoming, green buds on the tree outside our windows, and young squirrels are exploring the world for the first time. Spring is a time of growth and rebirth. The process of spring is a slow unfolding, each flower blossoming petal by petal. I love spring and I find spring to be inspiring, but as in most things I try to rush. I want the summer pay-off now. I want to do all the things. I often do more than is wise and end up paying for it later with exhaustion, or overwhelm. I struggle with recognizing the warning signs within myself until it is too late.
In my journey towards a more intentional life, I am paying attention this time. I am noticing. I am studying the warning signs. Spring is a reminder to me to rededicate myself to the slow. To relish in the small, to take things step by step. To not go too far and push myself in a way that requires rest to continue. I used to push past this point, and ignore my overwhelm. I though this was working and was sufficient. I thought just pushing and doing more was the answer, but it wasn't along the way I started to pick up habits for coping, drinking copious amounts of caffeine, and eating in excess were the norm. I was so exhausted I fell asleep at a concert. I was frequently sick and took my health for granted. I have started cutting out those habits, no longer drinking excessive caffeine and I am starting to listen to my body when it comes to food. This has not been my norm. As I challenge myself in this way, other habits come up as always do and force me to really see myself. I specifically focusing this spring on connecting with our community. I am working to explore groups and activities to engage with my new local community. Spring is a time to start over and try again, as many times as it takes. To go slow and be intentional, to consider the impact of my actions on me and my relationships. I can grow and change and build, but one step at a time not all at once, that is not sustainable for me. My goal now is more permanence rather than short term gain at the expense of my sanity. I will look to the world around me to remind me. Thank you spring. When I was teaching, I received a muffin with the slogan above. It would be an understatement to say that I disagree with the saying. I find that this leads to burnout. We cannot ignore our own wellbeing to help others. We will lose ourselves in the process and then our longterm benefit is lost. I find we need to take care of ourselves and replenish ourselves to be able to give to others from a healthy and sustainable place. Our relationships need to be based on equity, not on one person losing themselves to help another. This made me consider the facet of equity in relationship and in creating connection.
A week ago, I wrote about risks we take when it comes to connection, and how we sometimes use gossip as a simple way to connect. Upon further reflection I started to consider how sometimes secrets are overwhelming and it can be hard not to react or need to work through out thoughts with another. I consider gossip different than a secret in a couple key ways. First I consider intent, gossip in my mind is a way to discuss someone else in a way that makes you feel better and for your own gain. This dramatically differs from a secret, which is sharing something personal with you because you need someone else to process or because they do not want to be alone in bearing the burden. The second way I think they are different is that gossip is at another's expense whereas a secret is usually a way to help someone else. In this way I think gossiping comes from a different mindset than a secret. A true friend I think will understand if we accidentally share a secret, if we forget. I think though we often do not consider our own words and we speak to grow our self esteem rather than because we really have something to say. That being said I believe we often do not consider the consequences of our action in relationships. Often it is easier to be selfish and do what we need to do. Personally, I almost categorically refuse to keep secrets. I think we sometimes worry about small things and want to keep them secret so as not to let on our true purpose. I assume unless told otherwise that the things of my normal conversations with others are not secrets. Does this mean I share every intimate detail of the lives of my friends with others? No. I try to think if it is my story to tell. If someone shares a secret with me, I usually preface it with telling that person that I will be sharing it with my husband who helps me process the world. I do not think it is fair to burden others with our secrets and not allow them the space to process. I also think we need to start giving each other the choice. Asking if it is okay. We often think nothing of burdening others, we only see that it lightens our load. This is a selfish view of relationship. I think we assume those we connect with will always be there. We assume that those who are our friends will stay our friends. We do not consider the work of relationship, and in my opinion this is where we err. Relationships are work, they take time to develop. They need levels of trust, consideration, and kindness. We need to realize their value and stop treating others as our punching bags, we need to recognize when our anger is not about another person, but something we have put upon them. I think we are a society that keeps too many secrets. These secrets lead to stigmas and unfair or untrue expectations. I share what I am willing to share and allow others to do the same. We need to keep in mind if it is our story to share. I am a fairly open person, but I find freedom in that, in being myself, in not pretending. I think it is possible for all of us to gain that freedom, but it is a risk and at times it does hurt. Though the gain of a true friend is worth it all. To have someone who supports you no matter what, good and bad, tough times and fun ones as well. That is worth the effort and the thought. Ultimately I think we run into trouble when we do not treat others as we ourselves would like to be treated. As we deserve to be treated. When we consider ourselves superior or other people as beneath us, then we treat people without kindness and compassion and everything gets harder. In this way, we need to consider how we can make our relationships equitable. How can we be honest to ourselves and the other person? How can we share and not burden? I think this takes time and finesse. The brave thing to do is to admit we make mistakes to be honest about our flaws. It takes strength to show other people we are wrong. I think our society often condones stubbornness as a sign of strength, but in reality owning our faults is what builds trust. Admitting our errors tells others we think about our action and we are trying, we may make mistakes but we are working to grow. What more can we really ask? When I was younger, and first learning how to drive, my mom and I were driving down a narrow two lane road. To be fair, most of the roads in Northeast were narrow, due to how many people were packed into the state. I was driving down this narrow road and a car was coming in the opposite direction and there was a cyclist riding on the road ahead of me. I was clearly overwhelmed and she told me to "slow down and take the dangers one at a time." She meant do not try to pass the cyclist when the car is also passing you, slow down and wait. The phrase had a broader application to life that I did not know at the time.
I have been quite intentional with how I build my life. I have started to cut out unnecessary or unimportant in an aim to make progress towards the things I actually care about. I am a person with a lot of ideas. I am nothing if not passionate, almost to a fault, nothing is neutral; Everything has a category good or bad, hence my work to start to see the gray. I have plans. I want to figure out this and that, compile this, get into that, and try something new all at once. This has been the way I have gone through life for quite a while. Now I have time to contemplate and I realize all the many directions I want to go are important, but I also love the feeling of momentum and forward progress. I am slowing down and taking life one thing at a time. I have now one major goal that I am working towards at any given time, and I am learning to let the rest go. No I have not made all of my time efficient, but I have a threshold for what is achievable and doable and I am making progress. I may be the only one, but I do not think so. Life seems so short. We want to do it all, but in the process we wear ourselves out and feel like we are getting nowhere. Instead of doing more and expending our energy in all directions at once, I am ready to do a little less, to be present more and to focus my energy towards one major goal at a time. I think by allowing myself the time and space, I am open to more ideas. I am able to be more accepting and I am less frazzled. I appreciate not crashing into bed out of sheer exhausting. I appreciate finding what works for me. I appreciate doing it my way. In our society of busy, I am taking it slow. I am finding myself and I am doing less. In this way, I am finding my life to be life giving and worthwhile. I am remembering more, I am more present in my interactions and relationships. I am able to care. I noticed this concretely in regards to cooking. When I slow down and take my time, prep ingredients and do not try to rush, I enjoy the process. I make less mistakes. I do not get injured as frequently. I am able to be in the task rather than achieving the result. I am there for the process not the product. It might be messy, it might not look the way it is supposed to, but it is true. Life may be short, and it can be hard to come to terms with the fact that we cannot do it all. We cannot read all the books, or watch all shows or do all the things. With this in mind, how do we want to live? Do we want to rush and try to do it all? Or do we choose to slow down and be present for what we do? To remember that this moment matters, and it is all we know we will have. When we try to do it all we miss the blessing that is now, that is this moment, that is life. A friend of mine always tells me this is life, you're doing it now. Life does not start when we achieve X or become Y. Life is now and I am choosing not to miss it. I love to track the things I am currently enjoying and to write about them here. I hope you will share things that you are grateful for whether they be big or small. MarriageI have been married for four years today and I have to say I am grateful everyday for my husband. I know that there have been harder times and easier times, but I am really glad to be living life side by side with him. Walking TrailsThis week we found a local walking trail and explored. We were able to walk over the course of a few weeks from one end to the other and as we were finishing it yesterday. I saw this rock by a post. I have to say I love seeing these small positive reminders all around me they encourage me to want to leave markers in the world that remind us to find the good in our lives. I loved this walking trail and having a dedicated place to go outside makes all the difference in my daily attitude and my mood. Exploring Our AreaSimilar to the walking trail we have been taking weekend trips to different towns and exploring. I love the adventure of trying something new and seeing the different things that can be offered by a new place. IKEAMy husband and I have been big fans of IKEA for years, we have bought furniture there, eaten there and hung out with friends. We took a trip this weekend and really enjoyed just walking around and being in a place that holds memories of all the many other IKEAs we have been too. Natural WildlifeNow that it is spring and we have been outside walking. I am noticing all the unique wildlife that is native to our location. Last weekend we saw a turtle, a turkey, a beaver and some geese. I love being outside and just stumbling across animals.
What are you grateful for this week? What have you been loving? One of the few things I have realized as I have started to dig deep is that connection matters. It may not be something that is universally agreeable but to me connection is important. I think connection is what I am here for, it is my purpose. I worry though that we as a society have started to connect in an unhealthy way. I have noticed this mostly in myself.
As a child, I wanted to know everything. I would listen in to my parents conversations and try to find out what was "really" going on. Looking back I realize part of me wanted to know because I saw that knowledge as power. I believed that if I only knew I could prevent things, protect myself, save myself from pain and every eventuality. Sadly, that is just not true. The more you know does not mean that you can prevent bad things from occurring. This doesn't mean I've stopped being curious, but it does mean that I am not curious for the express purpose of preventing tragedy. Eventually I developed a common enough habit of gossiping, I would share my sneakily gotten information with others. To be frank, I also felt some thrill of being better than the other person and gave myself full permission to judge their actions and blame them for the result. I thought by sharing we would then be tied in together. We would be connected. This just wasn't true. It wasn't until I read Brene Brown's book Braving the Wilderness that I realized why. In her book, Brown discusses the idea of a vault, the idea that being a vault for others and being able to share with others are connected. When we hear about the secrets of another, we learn we cannot trust this person. If someone cannot keep the secrets that another has shared, what makes me think they will keep mine? I know in our culture gossip is common. We think it is harmless and fun, but in reality it degrades our relationships with others. By gossiping, we play jury, judge and executioner. We stop seeing others as human and we start thinking of them as a form of entertainment. When someone does this to us we understand how painful it can be, but we often do not consider how our own actions can cause that pain for others. I struggle with breaking this habit, but I am learning it is one I need to break. I need it for my sanity, and I need it to truly connect. When we start to see other people as human and to think of them as doing their best, our view of the world shifts and changes. We go from thinking someone is judging our actions to considering that they might be trying to help. We recognize that their hesitancy or negativity has more to do with them than it does with us. We recognize that our anger at others can be unjustified and harm us just as much as it harms our potential for relationship. As someone who cares about connection, I think it is important to consider the how. What are we willing to give up to try and connect? Is it worth it to throw someone under the bus to try and get to know someone else? Are we being the kind of people we want to? Are we acting from a place of compassion and kindness or a place of anger and fear? I am all for connection, but not at any cost. |
About MeI'm Sarah; a wife, traveler, foodie, and adventurer. Archives
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